i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?