did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror