She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
