All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
