I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
