Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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