i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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