Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
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theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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