Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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