Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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