She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
