I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
