he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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