This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
