All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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