Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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