Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
