It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This is the high leading the old right now
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
