Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
