You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
