My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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