only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Randomize
