i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
