Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
