I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
