So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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