Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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