the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
