I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just want nice things and good sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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