Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
