I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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