my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
