so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
