i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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