Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
