He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
