2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
