Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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