Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
