After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
