The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize