I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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