PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
