You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
