I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
