I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.