True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.