Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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