we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
