Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
