do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
