my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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