I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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