I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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