I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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