My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You're a waste of cheezeits
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
