i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
