If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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